Decided to blog again.

First 2 papers have come and gone and what can I say about it? Just really horrible, compared to my previous semesters. I think I've really been cutting myself just WAY too much slack. So much so that my grades have been on a downward spiral since 1.1. To think when i just entered poly, I did contemplate aiming to make the D List or something. What a joke now seriously. I don't think its something beyond my capabilities, but it is a little too late now isn't it? And I'm just way too darned lazy. Well, at the very least I've the weekend to prepare well for the last 2 papers. I think i really will kill myself if i flunk them. How do you put it... they're dead giveaways, albeit still content-intensive.

Apart from academics, the thing that's really lingering on my mind is internships. I know its ironic, especially since I was the one who decided not to worry about them. Its nothing within my control anyway. But what I think really tipped the scales was when I was told by WB about the "bad news". Seriously, i just think it was a bad time; I was fresh out of a paper I wasn't all that confident of. And i can put myself into your shoes, some matters really have to be kept confidential, but why can't you let them stay that way? Don't come telling me there's bad news and then tell me you can't tell me what the bad news is. I know your intention wasn't to mock us, but that's only because I think I know you as a person. I'd probably think I was being mocked at if it were anybody else. So, let me apologise for my foul reaction, but I don't think its was all my fault. Its just something that matters to us, even if we don't show it. But then again, I think my worse fears are confirmed. I don't expect to be given any of my choices for internship, and I'm not gonna point fingers anymore. I'm ready, but it'll probably still sting.

Family isn't doing too good either. If ou don't know what happened, well, I don't go around giving everyone a detail-by-detail account of my life. To cut the long story short, Joshua was over at my place when my Dad commented "Your friend no home meh? Must everytime come here stay..." Or something around that line. My god, how did you expect me to react to that? I can't rage against him, he's still my father no matter what. But you can't expect me to not do anything about Joshua too right? Seriously, I think that was one of the worst situations I have ever been in. Seeing that wretched look on Joshua's face was unbearable. But i felt so helpless as well. I guess now the matter's blown over. Talked with J countless times, and i guess its something good. What makes me feel worse is the discrepancy in treatment we get when we go to each others' place. His family had been extremely hospitable and friendly towards me. While my Dad has been, well, I don't know what to say.

Ever since then, its been a very weird feeling whenever he's around. I hardly talk to him, and I know he feels it too. I don't know lah, has anyone bee in a similar situation? I don't know what to do. It isn't as if I have a close relationship with my Dad and he just has to go around shooting off his mouth like nobody's business. I know if he sees this he'll probably say its his house and he's the King. But seriously, sometimes we just don't give a damn.

I won't deny you've been a really responsible father, husband and family man. Family probably ranks first in your heart, and I know you slog your guts out for the family. But to be a good Dad requires more than just putting food and money on the table. I hardly talked to you when I was a kid, we never bonded and the habit followed into adolescenthood. I know its hard on you, especially when I think you've got so many things to share with me, just like I have with you. But its come to a point where I really find it difficult to talk to you about thing's close to my heart. Surprisingly, its always been something I can only do with Mum. I know you love me, but knowing isn't enough, evidently. I understand the reasons behind your actions, yet I still do not think they warrant the attitude you've given my friend. And its not only this incident, there have been countless times I've witnessed you and Dom quarreling. He's hurt you, but what you've told him probably hurt equally hard too.

Like I've reiterated countless times, I don't expect anyone to understand the experiences I go through, even from gay people. Its the endless searching, endless questioning, and the endless need to be better than others, just to prove your point. I'm happy where I currently am, there's no doubt about that and its not a veneer I put on in front of others. But seriously if anyone was given the chance to, noone would choose the path less trodden. Don't get me wrong. I am definitely not pitying the position I'm in. I thin what I've experienced has helped open my eyes to experiences some people will be oblivious to their whole lives. And whatever the future outcome, I will never resent this period of my life, for it has helped mould the Daryl you guys all know (and have come to love. or will come to. hahaha.) What I am thankful for, are friends who listen. Joanna was right. Sometimes you don't need people to solve your problems, you just need someone who listens, and I've got those good friends.

So Dad, I'm sorry if I've disappointed you in more ways than just this. But I just don't agree with you that sexuality is majorly a choice. And it definitely is not a mental illness, as you've aptly put it. I don't blame you, really. In fact, all this coolness aches badly, deep inside, for I know that at the end of the day, I still love you. I don't think that I can ever be someone who can turn his back on his parents. I detest such people and I don't respect them. After all your parents have given you, if you can turn around and walk away, you don't deserve the life you've been given.

I may still stay on this path, but I'm always thinking of it....