im at home now waiting for mahjong to start in about.... 4 hours? joshua's sleeping beside me so i've got nothing to do. was so sick of playing geochallenge already because my brain is dead now so i decided to take a break and blog.

last night was spent with joshua. i met him in town to check out the course he's interested in. some make-up course. it costs roughly 4k! which is kinda expected considering its a private school. so we enquired a little about the course before joshua took the brchures for further consideration. so when we left, we started to walk towards lido. and i guess we had a really good chat. i started talkig to him about myself, like an analysis of my behaviour and sort of explaining why i was gonna play mahjong. (we had originally planned for him to stayover) i know its ultimately a choice i made, but like i said, it doen't mean that the guy making the choice is always having it easier. its a warped analogy and i don't expect anyone to understand it because, well, i think weirdly sometimes. to me, its like the lesser of two evils.

i know cancelling out on him is something he really hates, he's such an organised person, someone drastically different from me. so what made it worse for me was knowing full well i'm doing something he dislikes, but still going ahead with it. in joshua's own words, "its a hopeless case" well, the saving grace was that i think joshua and i can realy connect. its like something that feels so tangible and real. romantic yet not unrealistic. we have our sweet moments, but we don't let it get us carried away. and the thing i really like about being with joshua is that we can talk. talk as in communicate. the similarity we both have is that we don't like to drag things through the mud. maybe he's more persistent than me, but the main point is we can communicate, which to me forms the basis of a relationship.

i'm glad that even though last night's chat ranged from solemn to cheerful, i managed to get what i wanted to convey off my chest. and joshua, i know you'll be reading this, i'm glad you've been this understanding thus far. i know everyone has a limit, and i don't wanna test yours. i feel the need to tell you once more that what i said last night didn't exactly come out the way i meant. i'm usually articulate, i think, but somehow my brain fuzzed up yesterday, so you're not someone unimportant, but someone whose importance grows with the time we spend together. and in retrospect, i think i'm a very very very lucky person. lucky because i have true friends who are mirrors and who let me see the imperfections i'm born with.

i've been through this many times with joanna and jia-hao, and i'm glad that its made our friendships even stronger. jia-hao thought me to balance my friends, joanna taught me the awareness of time (HAHA) and basically how to be more situationally aware. and i'm thankful for all that. i'm changing not because i feel the pressure from the people around me. i make a concerted effort to change because i do not want to hurt the people around me who care for me and who i care for.

so thanks joshua, for teaching me how to make decisions. i can assure you it will come in handy. like i said, his just started, we have no idea how far it'll go, but i'm brimming with confidence. i await the day i'll get my answer.