Thursday, September 22, 2005
okok, i know i havent been blogging at all for the past 2 weeks. but forgive me. there was lots of problems and emotional turmoil. juggling exams with personal life and friends. not that i'm finding it taxing, i can still handle it now so don't worry.
ok. so exams are around the corner and the pressure is really getting to me. seing my friends all studying spurs me on to do the same as well. and if not for them i wouldn't have been able to sit still and do my A AND E MATHS for the whole afternoon and all the way into the night. so thanks for all the pressure you've put on me. hehe.
well, its difficult to juggle studies and r/s now that the exams are around the corner, not difficult on my side but difficult on trying to get people to understand that exams and my grades at the end of years mean alot to me. i don't want to let ms lai and joanna and all my good friends down. and most importantly myself. that's why recently i've really been studying really hard trying to amke up for all the slacking in the first half of the year. but ridz doesn't understand when i tell him that i've gotta study. that that means alot to me. i've finally realised that if someone really loves you he won't force you to do something you do not wish to. even if he doesn't approve of it he shouldn't try to change you. ridz, you were very accomodating in the beginning. understanding all that i went through. you were there to support me. no matter what happened. i grew accustomed to seeing you behind supporting me. even if you weren't there physically at least you were there emotionally and spiritually.
but in the recent months leading up to the catalyst for our argument, you've been growing increasingly demanding and overbearing. if you want the truth from me here it is. this is no personal attack. just what you portrayed to me. in the recent months i just feel that you've been increasingly DEMANDING things to be done. like me giving up my study time and sleep to talk to you. giving up the time i spend with my friends to spend time with you. increasingly i feel that you expect me to be by your side 24/7. i mean in the past i was able to talk to you till 630 in the morning and than go for school but that was before the exams. now that they're just around the corner how can you expect me to do all that again? have you spared a thought for what i've done for you? i don't mind talkignt o you. i really used to enjoy talkignt o you. but recently all i get is caustic and sarcastic remarks and seriously if you tell me you can take it for close to a month i salute you. i'm not god ok? you say i'm patient, but there's also a limit as to how much i can take right?
and if you do really love and treasure me you wouldnt be quarrelling with me about me not putting you as first priority. i mean, you;ve got to understand that this is my future i'm talking about here. i know you'd now be mumbling to yourself that it doesn't bother you a shit. i know you too well. but i don't want to neglect my friends and studies. i'm just sorrythat things have come to such an extent where we can only talk throught the internet and the state that our r/s is in. but what kor said is true, although its difficult to let go, it'll be best to. at least it makes things clearer and draws the boundary clearly between blacka nd white. my heart is in limbo last time and all i wnated to dow as hang on to this r/s. but now that i've managed to step out of the circle and seriously look around, i've finally realised the true picture. they say when youre in love you're blind. and how true that is. stepping out now, i have finally come to a decision that i think is best for both of us.
its useless holding on to something that is dying. its just like sand, the tighter you grap the more you will lose it. perhaps letting go is the best solution for the both of us. however bad the r/s is now, i still want to thank you at least for the wonderful first month you gave me. the times we spent together will never be forgotten. if there's one thing i'm really sure of throughout this WHOLE r/s is the feelings we both had for each other in the first month. at leats i know that was true. thanks for the moments we spent together on the phone, in each other's company, at victor's superbowl. all the happy memories i have of us. but perhaps things can only proceed till here. any further and i think it'll only hurt and scar the both of us further.
i hope that although things end here, there will not be any bad blood between us. whatever happened in the past, i don't regret it. besides its useless to cry over spilt milk. i still hope that in future we'll still be friends and bowling buddies. if you've got any problems or troubles i'm still here. i guess this is the the chapter in my life that i'll close here. daryl, this is the last time you'll be shedding tears over this. let everything out and move on after that. ridz, i wish you good luck in whatever you undertake and train hard for the singapore open. good luck and take care.
and many thanks to all the people who have walked this road to me. important people to me like kor, xiaoyan, fish, dimple, jal and the anonymous taggers on my blog. thanks for the concern but i'll be fine, i'll take time but ultimately, time heals all wounds. special thanks to kor for the countless time we've talked and shared problems together. for all the valuable advice you've dished out to me. i appreciate your concern and you being there for me. i hope this kor/di r/s will carry on like this and kor, if you have any problems or troubles bothering you your di will be here ok? i'll be supporting you kor.
of course thanks fish for talking to me and knowckign sense into me. you made me open my eyes big and ask myself what i really want. you take care too yea? and don't bottle up everything. to xiaoyan, what can i say? i'm just so comfortable with you i can tell you everything. thanks for being such a great friend to me and being there for me. many cheers to our friendship. and thanks also to dimple for being there for me. the superwoman and pillar of support for bn. i'm grateful for all these wonderful friends i've got.
i guess this ends here then.
