Tuesday, September 06, 2005
i dont know where i'm heading down this road. i dont know where WE"RE heading down this road. is it me or is it we? i seriously dont know. they say things change, people change. i didnt really believe that. i believed that with love, we can overcome most if not all obstacles. now? i'm seriously not sure.
the way you were and the way you are is different now. i dont know what caused the change. or maybe it was just cause i was not in a clear mind that time. i didnt open my eyes big enough. i dont know. everything now seems uncertain. gone were the feelings of having someone there to lean on. though you're still there now, but is it all the time? it seems as if nowadays i'm the one putting in all the effort. it seems as if you dont really care. or you seem nonchalent. pardon me for saying this. maybe you're putting in effort. maybe this means the world to you. you say i mean alot. you say this means alot. you said all you wanna do is to love me and be loved in return. you said all these meant to you, but you know what's the problem? i can't see it. i can't see how when you say this means the world to you but you're pulling temper tantrums and ignoring me. exploding at the slightest provocation and taking me for granted. taking all that i've done for you for granted.
you say i'm a patient person. the most patient of your ex? i don't know. i don't think i'm that patient. but even if you think i am, patient people have a limit too. i'm not some bottomless pit that's able to stomach everything thrown at it. i get my bad days too. i feel fucked up as well. but do i bring all these emotions into the relationship? as far as i know, no, or i try to minimise if i do spillover. i always try to make it the best i can be. i try to give you the happiness you told me you always dreamed of. but you know what? it takes two hands to clap, seriously. i can't go on like this. sometimes i feel that this is a one-sided relationship. like although you're physically with me, emotionally, i'm all alone. i can't say my feelings for you have changed; they haven't. but what has changed is the attitude. seriously, i don't know how much longer i can take it. everytime something crops up, i try to be the mediator, i try to take the blame. i feel its worth it if i'm appreciated and loved. at first i felt appreciated and loved and treasured, but after awhile all i felt was being taken for granted. all the time you expect me to be the one apologising. to be the one to break the ice. to be the one who calls back when you so rudely slammed the phone on me. i'm able to do all that because i love you. but come on, we're all humans. and we all want to be loved and feel treasured. and if this carries on, i don't think i can carry on being like this. one day, if all these becomes too tough to handle, i'm afraid my love would just dry up and i woudn't be able to take it.
i tell people all i wanna do is find the correct guy to settle down with. not necessarily the most handsome or richest. of course looks matters. but what's most important to me when looking for a bf is someone who understands me. someone who'll be there when i'm down, just like when i want to be there for him when he's down. someone who will love and treasure me and make me feel that true love exists. someone who won't take me for granted. you were all that in the past. seriously, you made me feel all that in the past. but it seems as if now a part of you is lost. the part that loved me so much is like half gone. when i tell people that. they all say that i'm too naive. that such relationships don't happen. that i should be happy if my bf only has one or two flings cause that's considered very faithful in the aj circle. but seriously, i don't believe all that bullshit. i believe that there will be someone willing to settle down with me. willing to keep his word when he says he won't be unfaithful. and someone who will really love and cherish me. you were all that in the past, but somehow i feel that you've changed. everybody calls me naive for believing in such relationships. they tell me these relationships don't happen in real life. that they only occur in movies. but i refuse to believe them. this is the way i am. the way i am born. i choose to believe that the world is good and that someone out there is the right guy for me. call me naive but that's just the way that i am.
i think you and i seriously need to think about what we want from each other and from the relationship. what must be changed and what can be improved. i don't wish to see this relationship end so early, that's why i'm doing all these. but i'll need you around as well. i'll need your support and love to make this relationship succeed. if you seriously treasure me and this relationship, i hope you'll seriously think through about what i've just said. i know you thinking bout it alone won't help. i'll be thinking about all these as well. i hope you'll really consider and think through all that i've said.
i think i'll end here. after all these, my feelings haven't changed. just to let you know.
Monday, September 05, 2005
ok i know i havent really been updating my blog. pardon me! im just lazy. haha. anyway, many people are screaming at me now, so think i'll update something. haha.
last saturday was the last week of the STBC league first round. was held at safra tampines. and we were against singapore sports school. haha. so when i went there i had this mindset on already, "don't bother about the sports school bowlers, just bowl your normal game. your opponent is not the players, not you, but the lane" i just told myself to bowl my best and i would be happy already, irregardless of whether i won the sports school bowlers or not. in the end, i bowled a 3 game total of 603 with an average of 201. haha. was feeling damn esctatic man. i think that day sports school wasnt bowling well, cause first 2 games i beat them, but last game they bowled a 200. haha. but was already very very very happy with myself. haha. so after the competition ended, said bye to yingxing, than left for home.
me at victor's with dear.
called dear, wanted to meet for lunch, so decided to meet at my house macdonalds. haha. than i went home first, than went down to meet him. ate with him, than talked for awhile before he sent me home. haha. had a damn fun time dear, hehe. than he went off for work.
than on sunday, didnt have tuition in the morning, so i slept till very late. haha. than woke up, called dear, he was at work already. haha. than i said i'd go down to his workplace. anyway sunday was our 2nd month anniversary ma. so went down wait for him end work than go out lo. then when i reach there was quite late, around 4, than he just introduced me to gan jie. haha. she's damn ncie lo. go there only blanja me drink and keropok. haha. and she's very friendly as well. so talked to her, but she had to work too, than just sit down at dear's workplace there lo. bought some sundaes from macdonalds and eat. than use his com there. haha. finally his work end already, than we left for jurong point, supposed to eat one. haha. but the queue all so long there, got nothing to eat also. then we went to find pido and xiao hao workign at jurong point cool station. went there, talk talk cock and joke around lo. than asked xiao hao give us free drink. haha. then after talking they wanted to go play pool with dear after work, so he send me home first than went back.
on the way home, we were on the train than got this malay woman sitting opposite us. than we purposely go and disturb her. like act super gay and close. haha. than you should have seen the way she frown man. was damn funny!! haha. the expression on her face. wah, can die, haha. than we were jokign that she will go write into straits times and complain. haha.
us on the train. happy 2nd month! haha.
see how tired i am.
at the train station.
than when we reached home, dear sent me up. than we had a little talk outside. haha. talked bout the past 2 months. everything that we've gone through together. dear, thanks for these 2 months of happiness. i told you our relationship was weird, we quarrel so much but still love each other alot. haha. anyway, dont regret these 2 months spent with you. haha. love you slot dear. muacks.
by the way, guess whose are these? HAHAHA. =p
