Saturday, August 13, 2005
been a long time since i last blogged. hmmm. so many things have happened that i don't even know where to begin. let me try.
called dear on wed night. actually to talk to him. than we were talking about just normal stuff when his friend called. haha. one of his good friends called jal. than he added jal to the concersation lo. turned out that jal was one of his ex-schoolmates or classmate or both in sec school days. haha. than she told me about all the funny and stupid pranks that they pulled on people together. haha. they could just carry on talking and talking, reminiscing about the days spent in sec school. it than struck me how little i know about dear. how little i know about his history and stuff. and how little i know bout his freinds. yes, i know them. but they're like always behind this shroud of mystery. it kinda made me realise how bad this was for the both of us, because it just showed that i didn't know much bout him. and as his bf this shouldn't be the case should it?
than we just carried on talking. sometimes dear had to go do some work and stuff. so it left me and jall alone on the phone. haha. it seemed a little awkward at first. cause i hardly knew this girl while she sort of knew almost everything about me and dear. than started to make some small talk to her. turned out that she's a really chatty and friendly girl. the awkwardness oon wore off and the three of us were talking like old friends. tahn dear told me about all the nick names they called each other. jal turned out to be called blurong or something. not sure how to spell but its a ghost in indonesian folklore. haha. super funny. and dear turned out to be wani. sounds like some filipina maid name. lols.
time seems to pass very fast when you're engaged in a good conversation cause it was like 3 very soon. haha. waited for dear to close account and close everything. than he took the company transport home. haha. when he reached home, me and jal were teasing him about not looking behind cause it was not the 7th month and stuff. haha. scared dear until he ran up to his house super fast. haha. than we continued talking on the phone while dear went to eat and than log on to the com. dear went to my sgboy account to look at some stuff. than he suddenly became very quiet on the whole conversation. think jal felt it too cause she wanted to put down the phone to let us talk first. i tried to ask dear what happend but i think he didn't want to say it out in front of jal. so we juts continued talking, but i was feeling very uneasy, until i couldn't ear it anymore than i asked dear again. think this time jal took my hint, than she said she had to go already. thanks so much jal. sorry we couldn't talk longer. than before jal left she and dear were talking in malay. don't know what they were talking about though.
than after jal left i asked dear what happened. turned out that he had saw some of the comments some other ajs had made about me. amd he didn't like it that they were looking at me in that way. so i told dear not to bother about them. i can't control how they look at me and how they comment right? than i kinda convinced dear not to bother about them. cause they weren't even my friends. pls, my bf is more impt than whatever all of them say ok? than we had a long talk. i'd prefer if no one else knew what we talked about cause i want it for his and my ears only. but dear, all i can say is that i was so lost for words when you said those words to me. how you only wanna stay by my side no matter what happenes. and everything else that you said. i was just so touched by all that you said. and i know you're making the effort to change and put the past behind you. i'm really touched by what you're doing. but i know its gonna be a long and difficult road. let me walk along with you ok? i wanna share your burden too. after what you told me i find that its now much easier to trust you, the doubt in my heart seemed to have grown smaller with every word that you said. thanks for all that you said to me that night dear. it made all that lack of sleep seem worth it. haha.
than last night, after i came back from joel's house at about 12, i went to my room than sms-ed dear, told him sorry for staying out so late. he said he wasn't angry but disappointed instead. tried explaining to him but he was behaving really weirdly, like he was trying to block out his emotions, or not allow other people to see his true emotions. than while smsing i fell asleep. woke up at around 4 with 4 smses from him. he thought i was angry with him. haha. dear, why should i be angry with you? haha. since day 1 till now i haven't been angry at you at all. haha. dear was already at home by the time i called him back. haha. than we started talking about. was feeling really tired and worn out but decided to carry on talking to him. haha. anyway it isn't much of a big deal la. than we were just talkign than i think i was damn tired so i was like falling asleep. haha. than think dear felt like he was talkign to a wall. haha. in his own words. so he asked me to go sleep, but i just wanted to talk slightly longer to him. than we talked to about 6 comign to 7. but i don't know why throughout the whole conversation dear seemed different from his usual self. than i tried to ask him again and again but he kept insisting that nothing was wrong. than he started to say that he felt very irritated when i kept asking bout him. so i just shut up la. since he wanted me to. since he felt that i was so irritating. than i remembered what dear told me to do when he was in that kind of mood, he told me to leave him alone. so i told dear that i was kinda tired and wanted to go sleep. than dear turned around and said that i didn;t want to talk to him. hmmmm, what than do you want me to do? i talk you say i'm irritating. but when i want to leave you alone you say i don't want to talk to you. really don't know what you want me to do.
than dear started saying that i wasn't his bf and things like that. i know it was just said in the spur of the moment, but i guess you don't know how hurt i felt. i guess you don't know how shocked i was when i heard from you that you felt that i was darn irritating and when you started questioning whether you were my bf or not. i know you don't mean it, but it just hurts so badly ok? guess you didn't know. i know i'm partly to blame for this, but allow me to apologise ok? i just don;t want you to suffer alone and bottle everthing up inside of you. i want to share some of it too. but if you don't want me to you can just tell me. even though all these has happened, i just wanna tell you that my love for you hasn't changed at all. i still believe that all these are just little tests for us to pull through together, and if we can't even pass these simple tests how are we supposed to last? i've never regretted being your bf and i won't regret in the future either.
and i guess you also didn't know how badly i cried while i was on the phone with you and after i hung up. but even after all these has happened, i just want to say that i still love youa lot dear.
Monday, August 08, 2005
haha. today couldn't go to the cross country. sorry jy and joanna! i pang seh you i know. confirm you all saying that one. sorry. haha. we go bowling another day ok? lols.
went makan with dear just now. haha. went all the way to west coast to makan with him. haha. as usual was late, so when i reached harbourfront station dear was already waiting there for me. haha. wah, he looked nice wearing that shirt and the pants. and the cap finally suited his shirt. haha. so we went up and waited for the bus to west coast, we took 30 i think. than on the buc was sitting with him than saw the trailers for wedding crashers. haha. than you know la, i laugh very loudly, its my trademark laughter ma. haha. than dear so paiseh. i said wanted to go watch with him the show than think he scared i laugh like that in the cinema so he said he would rather watch it alone haha.
than we got off near tanglin sec there, crossed the road to the coffeeshop to order food. we ordered two iced milos adn i ordered one egg prata while dear ate one egg and one chees/egg prata. wah, my throat killing me there sia, its like chocked with phleghm. haha. regretted eating that ice cream last night. haha. and dear, pls hor, the prata is ok ok only. haha. nothing fantastic. next time you come my school than we go eat the one outside, haha. its so much better. haha.
than after the prata we went back to the bus stop, by than there were many sec school students released from half day already. they had such strong SBS, think dear nearly fainted. haha. than we too bus 143 back to his house, alighted and walked up to his house. was feeling kinda tired so went to sleep cause the whole of last night i didnt sleep, was on the phone with dear. than after awhile he came sleep beside me. haha. so sweet and romantic. haha. than was really kinda tired, so fell asleep. than we slept till around 1230. dear still asked me to give up cause i would never succeed. hahahaha. =D
than after we woke up we went to use the com, logged onto IRC see who's online. haha. didnt really talk much witht them la. than i was still surfing the net when dear fell asleep. so i turned off the com too and lay down beside him. wow, dear fell asleep super fast! haha. i guess he's tired as well. hmmm, seeing him so exhausted everyday just pains my heart. he hardly gets enough sleep and he still has to juggle his work time with the time he spends with me. i really must appreciate such a great bf. haha. i mean how many can really go all the way out for me like he did? i guess i'm just really really lucky to have him as a bf. haha. love you so much dear.
than as he was sleeping i went through his phone. hmmm, saw some messages that kinda surprised me, than i decided to get up and use the com. than as i was surfing halfway dear got a mesage so i woke him up. hmmm, after replying the message he looked at me deep in the eyes and asked me what was wrong. i was totally blown away man i tell you. i didnt expect him to be able to sense it so quickly, especially after he had just woken up and was still so blur. of course i denied it that anythign was wrong, but looking at him, i couldnt bear to tell hima lie, so i told him the truth. he seemed verya ffected after knowing what was bothering me. than he suddenly became very quiet, took me a logn tiem to get it out of him. but had a really great talk with him bout the situation. understood him alot better after today, and its like after we finished talking it seemed as if a huge burden was lifted off from our shoulders. think we kinda solved the problem in our relationship, though not totally, but at least its a start. felt so much better and after the talk we kinda made up for all the times when we quarrelled. haha. i was so touched at that point in time i really felt like crying. i just felt so lucky and happy to have such a great bf. the tears were of happiness and joy, not sorrow.
and dear asked me one question which i think was kind of obvious, he asked me why i was so good to him, why i could tolerate all his stuff, and why i could understand him. pls la dear, i'm your bf, if i'm not there for you who will be? haha. silly boy. love you so much. haha. remember what i told you this afternoon? i'll never go back on it. haha. muacks. love you so much dear.
think i shall end here. thanks for the great day dear, rest well when you reach home and bowl well for tomorrow's competition. i'll go down to support you. haha.
