wow. lotsa things been happening recently. some of which i can blog abt and some of which are only meant for me to know. hmmm. got back most of my mid yr results. what can i say? not good at all. the subjects i was supposed to do well in i flunked. like ss and hist and geog. don't really know what to expect next. didnt do well for a maths at all. though i have improved. its so insignificant. i know is not my forte. but still i know with my substantial intelligence i would not be getting below 20? lotsa mixed emotions. esp with my humanities. wasnt i so confident after the exams? what happened? started making stupid careless mistakes and stuff. ended up doing so badly. fuck it. and the worst thing is i told ms lai i was gonna do well for humans. at least its a redeeming point shld i fail my maths. now i failed everything.
and maybe its just me being sensitive. but i feel that i have let ms lai down. did i see disappointment in her eyes the other day? she works so hard to keep this class together. to keep our spirits and feelings up. she tolerates us. all she expects from us is to try our best. but asking myself. did i really try my best for maths and science? or did i just resign myself to fate? telling myself i was sure to fail? ya, i did study for a maths. but i think i could have put in more effort. i would have gotten a better grade that way. though i know grades arent eberything in life. they are still impt now. the last 2 yrs i ahve slacked enough. i wasnt really bothered bout my grades and stuff. i think this yr is the first time the grades really shocked me and bothered me. maybe its because of the fact that im in sec3 now alrd. i may be kicke dout anytime. shld i fail badly again. and also cause of the good influence xiao yan gives me. seeing her and people like sindy and yiting start studying makes me study and get urgent for the exams too. i think without these wonderful friends in my life i wouldnt be so upset bout my results. haha.
i've decided that im not gonna waste my life away like a bum, failing all tests when its withim my capability to do well. im not gonna disappoint ms lai and most importantly myself too. i believe i can do it.
also been thinking abt other stuff also. like i cant stand it when my mum asks not to go out and mix with my gay friends. i mean. arent they my friends too? its irregardless of their sexuality. her reason is that i will have promiscuous behaviour while out with them. seriously. i dont know how to counter that. isnt that the same as telling ur daughter (if u have one) not to go out with boys cause u guys will start having sex? its simply ridiculous. im not someone who goes arnd sleeping with others. pls. i have self respect for myself. furthermore. i do not want to ruin my future life with my partner irregardless of whether its a man or woman in a moment of folly in my youth. i know teen sex is on the rise now. but those followers who only follow blindly without fully considering the consequences are just plain foolish and immature, pls do not associate me with those people. i do not follow blindly. they can go lead the life they want. for me, keeping sex after marriage is the basic form of respect for your partner. if u cant fulfill something a basic as this than pls do not ruin other people's life.
also, xiao yan is worrying me. haha. when she's stressed or angry she refuses to open up to anyone. not that i know of anyway. keeping everything bottled up isnt good. although i do the same thing, im able to get over it very quickly. for me. life is really short and beautiful. its not worth wasting your time fretting about unimportant things. i wouldnt mind u keeping your problems to yourself. everyone has their own style. but what im really worried abt is if u cant handle the stress. dont give yourself so much stress. sometimes, u just need to take a step back and look at ur surroundings. yes, the world is imperfect. its ugly. whether or not u accept it is another thing altogether. your life lies in your hands. u control your own life. dont waste it and make it miserable. the simple beauty of life is that it was an act of love by your parents that brought u to this world. isnt that beautiful enough? everyone lives for a purpose. no one is useless and worthless. u arent either.
